Cinderzumi
by ShinobiOfNabari
Summary: The cast of NO.6 puts on the play Cinderella! What will Cinderzumi do when his stepsisters go off to the ball without him? ...Apparently nothing.
1. Part One

**CINDERZUMI.**

"_Once there was a gentleman who married for his second wife the proudest and most haughty woman that was ever seen. She had by a former husband two daughters of her own humor, who were, indeed, exactly like her in all things. He had likewise, by another wife, a young daughter, but of unparalleled goodness and sweetness of temper, which she took from her mother, who was the best creature in the world._

_No sooner were the ceremonies of the wedding over but the mother-in-law began to show herself in her true colors. She could not bear the good qualities of this pretty girl, and the less because they made her own daughters appear the more odious. She employed her in meanest work of the house: she scoured the dishes, tables, etc., and scrubbed madam's chamber and those of misses, her daughters; she lay up in a sorry garret, upon a wretched straw bed, while her sisters lay in fine rooms, with floors all inlaid, upon beds of the very newest fashion, and where they had looking-glasses so large that they might see themselves at their full length from head to foot._

_The poor girl bore all patiently and dared not tell her father, who would have rattled her off; for his wife governed him entirely. When she had done her work she used to go into the chimney-corner and sit down among cinders and ashes, which made her commonly be called a cinder maid; but the youngest, who was not so rude and uncivil as the eldest, called her Cinderella. However, Cinderella, notwithstanding her mean apparel, was a hundred times handsomer than her sisters, though they were always dressed very richly."_

—_Cinderella; or, The Little Glass Slipper_

* * *

_It was a bright, sunny afternoon when the invitation arrived in the mail, sealed with red wax in a crisp, cream-coloured envelope. The King's son was to give a grand ball, to which all fancy people were invited. The two stepsisters were thrilled at the opportunity to attend the party, and busily began to plan their extravagant outfits. Cinderzumi was not too thrilled at this; for it was he that had to iron their clothes and put all the ruffles into place. He was beginning to grow weary of listening to them blather on all day along about what they would wear._

"I'll wear that gorgeous pink dress I bought the other day!" _squealed Safu, the eldest daughter._ "It is made of a superfiber cloth!"

"And I," _decided Lili, the younger,_ "will wear my old yellow dress—but I'll add my new golden butterfly pin to make it prettier!"

_Of course, Cinderzumi was forcibly dragged to their rooms, where he was doomed to hear more of their indecision about their clothes. All Cinderzumi wanted was for it to be done and over with, so he gave them his opinion, as fashionable girls' clothing was a matter he knew quite well. In the end, he was also duped into styling their hair._

"Cinderzumi, would you like to attend the ball?" _Safu questioned. She had to bite her lip to keep from snickering, for she knew full well her sister—brother—thing—could not go._

"Like hell," _Cinderzumi scoffed, tossing a strand of blue hair over his shoulder._

"Well, you couldn't go even if you wanted to!" _both stepsisters jeered._

_He had every intention to make them look like clowns, but decided better of it and made them look as pretty as two ugly stepsisters could look. The day of the ball arrived quickly. Safu and Lili left with Cinderzumi staring after them. Then, when they were gone, he collapsed to his knees and began to cry._

…_I said, 'he collapsed to his knees and began to cry'!_

"No way in hell," _Cinderzumi growled—how mean._

_Didn't you read the freakin' script? You're supposed to be upset that your ugly-ass stepsisters went to the ball without you! I'm shooting you death glares, here!_

_Cinderzumi turned and ambled back into the house against orders, waving a hand nonchalantly._ "I don't give a crap about some ball."

_Hey, you, get back here right now! The script, dammit, the script! There's no story if you don't fucking cry! So cry, god dammit!_

_He paused in reaching for his leather jacket and copy of _Hamlet_. _"Will you stop freakin' yelling at me if I do it?"

_Sure, sure. Go on, now. The Godmother is waiting._

_With a sigh, the blunette did as the amazing narrator told him to. Back outside in front of the house, he got down on his knees. I noticed that goddamn sarcastic bite to his tone as he fake cried._ "Boo-hoo. Oh, boo-hoo…"

…_Good enough, I guess. Anyway! Her Godmother saw her awfully fake tears and asked her what was wrong._

"The narrator told me to cry."

_Wrong! You want to go to the ball!_

"I mean—I want to go to the ball."

_This Godmother of his, who was some ugly guy with a receding hairline and a weird moustache—_

"Hey!" _Godmother Rikiga fumed at my true statement._

_Shut up! Stop interrupting me! …Ahem. So, anyway, the Godmother began leading Cinderzumi back to his room, and was all like:_

"…"

_Umm, that's your cue to say your lines._

"Oh!" _The Godmother scratched idly at his beard and fumbled with his script._ "Gimme a second… Uhh, yes! I'll help you go to the ball. Go bring me… whatever the hell I could use to turn into a coach."

_Warily, Cinderzumi left the room in search of something that could be turned into a coach. Though he didn't look quite as fucking hard as he could of, the lazy bastard! ...And ended up bringing back a pot for soup from the kitchen. Really, is that the best you could do? A freakin' pot?_

"Be lucky I'm going along with this," _Cinderzumi stated irritably. _"And I wouldn't be so irritable if you stopped narrating every little thing!" _I could clearly see his eyebrow twitching. Ooh, he looks like he's going to kill something now._

_So, moving along… The Godmother waved his magical wand of magicalness and turned the stupid pot into a fine coach. If by 'fine' you mean a giant pot on wheels. When that was done, the Godmother ripped the three mice from their peaceful slumber on the bed and transformed Hamlet, Cravat, and Tsukiyo into three horses. At least, they were supposed to be horses. Instead, because of the Godmother's crappy magic, they simply became three oversized mice._

"Wait, aren't we supposed to be in my room…? How the hell does this all fit—"

_Shut up! Don't question things! Just hurry up and go find a goddamn coachman!_

"Right, we need a coachman!" _the Godmother peered around stupidly. _

_Conveniently enough, one of Dogkeeper's mutts came wandering into the room. With a flick of his wand, the dog was turned into—some kind of half man, half dog thing. Wow, magic really isn't your strong suit, is it? Anyway, screw the footmen. You'll have to go without them. The Godmother will just fuck that up too, anyway._

"Huh? Excuse me?" _Godmother Rikiga exclaimed._

_Your lines, Godmother!_

"…Right. Well. You're all ready for the ball, now, with this cra—err, I mean, wonderful stuff. Happy? Good."

"You're forgetting something, Oh Fairy Godmother." _Cinderzumi looked pointedly down at his ratty khakis, stained shirt, and combat boots. He looked like he had just crawled out of a garbage dump, really._

"Oh! Yes, yes, your dress!"

_Oi… of course… So, the flighty Godmother whacked him on the head with his wand, and his clothes disappeared and were replaced by…_

_Ahem. They were replaced by…_

…

_WTF? You idiot! You left him naked!_

"Oh my God… You have five seconds to conjure up some clothing before I kick your ass," _Cinderzumi hissed, eyebrow twitching, attempting to cover himself._

_Godmother Rikiga was looking everywhere but at Cinderzumi. Though personally, I think he should have been staring. What a sight he was missing…_ "Sorry, sorry! My bad…"

_So, his gross-ass hobo clothes were replaced by a long, floor-length white gown with translucent pale blue sleeves. A scarf of the same blue colour was draped around his slender shoulders, cascading gracefully down his back. A ring of beads with a single flower attached encircled his head. And hot damn, the Godmother actually managed to do it right!_

"Hey, isn't this just my Ophelia costu—"

_Shhh!_

"But it's the wrong pla—"

_I told you not to question things! Anyway. Godmother, your lines._

"Hurry your ass over there or you'll be late!" _Godmother Rikiga said._

_With a hissing sigh—jeez, you could at least pretend to be a little excited!—Cinderzumi turned and began to tread in the direction of the castle… But after a step, he toppled over on his face. Pfft._

"These goddamn shoes are killing my feet! What the fuck are they made of?"

"Glass," _the Godmother replied._

_That look on Cinderzumi's face… pfft._

"Glass? Gimme something I can actually walk in!"

"Forget that and get to the ball!" _the Godmother pushed him towards the giant pot on wheels. Cinderzumi bitterly wobbled inside like a drunken monkey, as he could not walk in his glass slippers, and was off to the ball._

…_Wait. I feel like we forgot something._

"Did we?" _Both the narrator and the Godmother quickly flipped through their scripts. Then, they exchanged wide-eyed glances as they remembered what they had failed to tell our poor Cinderzumi. Stupid Godmother, you were supposed to tell him to be back before midnight!_

"Oops." _The Godmother just shrugged uncaringly, reflecting exactly what the narrator was feeling. I mean, he'll figure it out eventually. When, like, the pot and the mice and the dog shrink, and he winds up naked. Oh well. Curtain!  
_

* * *

**A/N: **So, I'm not as good with parodies and humor... Oh well. Anyway, there will definitely be a second part [eventually]. Can you guess who the prince will be? ;D_  
_

Disclaimer: I do not own NO.6 or Cinderella.


	2. Part Two

_The king's son was a striking young air-headed lad with a head of snow white locks and a red snakelike mark on his body that earned plenty of strange looks wherever he went. He knew quite well from keeping up with the script that some so-called "princess" no one had seen before was coming, and he ran out over-excitedly to meet her—rather, _him_. So excited was the prince, in fact, that it was expected he would spontaneously combust at any moment._

_When the pot on wheels rattled precariously up to the front steps, the prince was waiting to meet its occupant, who harshly flung open the door and stomped out, tottering slightly and blatantly ignoring the hand that was held out to him._

"Ohmygoshyouaresopretty~!" _The prince burst out all in one breath. His crimson eyes were literally sparkling—how the hell?—, alight with awe at the striking beauty before him._

"Shion," _Cinderzumi growled out between clenched teeth. Careful there, Princess. Behave, please. No, no, keep your hands to yourself. Punching the prince or the narrator is not allowed._

_So, Prince Shion led him into the hall where all the fancy people were partying fancily. Which, mind you, is quite different from what goes down at those clubs and college parties. Not quite as exciting, and fairly drama-free. Anyway, as soon as Cinderzumi stepped in with the prince, everyone dropped what they were doing—Not literally, you extras! You're making a mess of my set!—and went totally silent. The good kind of silent. Not the "?" kind of silent. Because Cinderzumi was shockingly gorgeous. If only they could take a peek under his dress—which I know some of those perverts were totally considering—and realize that he's a guy. That would be fun._

_So, everyone was busy drooling over him, who they thought was actually a her. Even the creepy old king had the hots for Cinderzumi—who should be sitting on his throne beside Queen Karan right about now. Rikiga, did you finish your costume change yet? How long does it take to take off a freakin' dre—I mean, robe? If you can't even strip yourself, how do you expect to ever strip Shion's mo—_

"Excuse me!" _Karan exclaimed, sounding a bit horrified. Ahem. Excuse me, ma'am._

"Sorry, coming!" _Rikiga called. Finally, King Rikiga got his slow ass to the throne, where he admired the cross-dressing princess. All the other fancy girls admired his dress and totally wished they could be like him. Minus the cross-dressing part._

_Prince Shion sat Cinderzumi down in the most honorable seat and later took him out dancing; during the latter, Cinderzumi was forced to lead due to the prince's inexperience. Really, Shion? Remember your little dancing session with Nezumi under the sunset? Yeah, that. You have experience dancing, so use it! Leading your poor, taller-than-you princess shouldn't be too hard!_

_Cinderzumi, paired with the shorter prince, looked ridiculous enough. Add to that the fact that the "girl" was leading, and practically stumbling around like a drunkard in his oh-so-comfortable glass shoes, and the narrator was ready to keel over laughing at them. Pfft, but he's keeping himself composed so he can move on with the play. Apparently, however, everyone else thought Cinderzumi was the most graceful thing they had ever seen. They must all have had the dancing skills of a drunken monkey, if that were the case._

_Once that sorry excuse for dancing was done, a grand feast was served up. While Cinderzumi made an attempt to actually eat, Prince Shion was resting his chin in his hand, elbow resting on the table, with his crimson gaze locked intently on the princess's face. It was kind of creepy, actually, especially considering he was only about half a foot away from Cinderzumi._

"Back." _Cinderzumi put a hand flat on the prince's face and roughly shoved him an extra foot away. He proceeded to make a small circular motion around himself with his hands. _"Personal space." _Then, the princess awkwardly returned to eating. Might I add that Prince Shion never once tore his beady little gaze away from him?_

_So, for some reason the prince decided to unload a crap load of cherry cakes on Cinderzumi. He didn't need quite that many, nor wanted to know why they were given to him in the first place, so after eating as much as a single person could possibly choke down, he found his ugly-ass stepsisters and handed the rest over. Oh, I see how it is. Pretend to be all nice when you're actually just unloading your junk. For some reason his sisters Safu and Lili didn't make the connection that the person in front of them was their sibling, despite the fact that he looked _exactly the same, _just with a little makeup and clean clothes. Like, jeez, people. What are they, blind?_

_All of a sudden, while sitting with his sisters who were oh-so-gracefully stuffing their ugly faces with cake, the clock struck twelve. Oh shit._

"Huh? What's with the 'oh shit'?" _Cinderzumi glared at the narrator, eyes demanding to know the little secret he was keeping._

_Umm, you should take a look at your dress, honey. And he did just that; to his horror, the thread at the hem was slowly beginning to unwind itself. If he didn't hurry, he would be stark naked pretty soon._

"What the hell is going on?" _he stood, looking about frantically._

_Well, see, when the clock strikes twelve, the magic wears off. Duh. Haven't you ever read _Cinderella_? I mean, you've read practically every other book in existence._

"You could have told me, you fucking ass!"

_Language, dear princess. With that, Cinderzumi sped towards the exit, dress becoming provocatively shorter by the minute. _

"Pretty princess whose name I rudely never asked! Where are you going?" _Prince Shion called after him._

_Even more rudely, Cinderzumi ignored him, and continued quickly down the stairs. Well, as quickly as a person could move while wearing glass shoes. _"Screw it!" _Cinderzumi shouted, kicking off the glass slippers. He only managed to grab one, leaving the other behind, and ran barefoot all the way home._

_Prince Shion delicately lifted the glass shoe, gazing longingly after the departing princess._

_Later on, when the guards were asked if they had seen a beautiful princess leave, they had not. All they had seen was a very naked boy shouting out profanities as he fled through the castle gates._

* * *

**A/N: **Here's part two! There will be one more part after this. The original story has two balls that Cinderella attends, but I only put in one. The cherry cake thing makes reference to the original, in which the prince gives her a bunch of oranges for some reason, and she shares them with her sisters. Cherry cake is more fitting of NO.6, though, I think~._  
_


End file.
